I am Dan’s older brother Dave.

Judge Ramirez, thank you for the consideration of accepting our letters as insight into the terrible loss we have all suffered. We appreciate being able to share our thoughts with someone who cares enough to listen, and who is in the position to see that justice is served. Others should not have to endure the hardship and turmoil that events such as this cause.

Mr. Johnson, I wasn’t sure how I’d react to someone who’s taken my brother away from me. I don’t focus on what you did as being the reason for the sadness I now live with. Yes, I am enraged at times, but I simply miss my brother Dan. Please don’t think that I cast judgment upon you, or ill feelings towards you. I cannot imagine the pain and responsibility you must accept for taking someone’s life, or the chaotic turn your own life has taken.

Dan has been my friend in life for as long as I can remember. As these days go by I realize, even more, that I am not ready for him to be gone. He encompasses most of the memories I have; from growing up as children, our educational and adventurous teen years, to enduring our adult roles in life. My sadness is a selfish reaction to the emptiness I now feel daily. I hope these realizations pass, but I have yet to experience that relief.

Too often I find myself reaching for the phone to call him and see what he’s up to. I catch myself wondering where he is. I begin wondering why I haven’t heard from him for so long. These impulses are brought on by the simplest daily thoughts, or the more subconscious void I’m trying to ignore. I find myself missing his desperate calls begging for help with his misbehaving computer. I miss his surprise drop-ins while he’s out riding his bike. I miss myself expecting to continue the brotherhood we so deeply respected and cherished. I want to meet him for lunch like we do every week. I want to call him and talk about the good old days when life was new and vast. I want him simply for me… he was mine.

I want all of this simple interaction, but I need to realize that it is no longer meant to be… it’s no longer a part of my life. My brother is gone.

As these thoughts spiral into reality I find myself denying that they will never be experienced again. He can’t be just taken from me like this… he is to be my lifelong friend. We are now enjoying the most meaningful and rewarding part of our lives with our families and careers. We are to become old and grumpy together and be there for each other in our golden years. Never did I imagine that he would be missing from my life so soon. The emptiness of his absence, and realizing this emptiness will not end, is the hardest to deal with.

Being the oldest of five I have realized and accepted the responsibility of looking out for my younger siblings. On the night of the accident Dan was on his way to meet me. We discussed our plans for that night and I decided where and when we were going to meet. The details of what then occurred have been a tribulation on me for some time now. In one respect I feel I have failed Dan in executing my big brother role… but in another I have been able to relay his exact state of mind prior to the moment he left us. My pain has been other’s comfort and I have learned to appreciate the bit of relief that my insight has offered.

A season has passed since we've realized the remainder of our lives would be spent without Dan. I have lost my brother and best friend... my parents have lost their beloved son... my brothers and sister have lost a lifelong presence that cannot be replaced... his friends have lost an unexpected inspiration... Keri and Lisa have lost their world!

I love my brother. I now live a life that misses my brother every day. I look forward to a day that the fond memories win over the hurtful present, and I look forward to the passing of time so that healing may take its course.